I DON'T LIKE SPAM!
by CheshireCatwoman
Summary: Lexaeus learns that Vexen doesn’t like spam. A KH/ Monty Python crossover. Oneshot, crackfic.


This is a request from IMR Duelist, who is inspiring me to start more Monty Python crossovers XD

I don't own KH or Monty Python's Spam sketch. Everything in bold is taken directly from the Spam sketch, so I don't own that. I also don't own "And now, for something completely different."

* * *

On a seemingly normal morning in the World that Never Was, Lexaeus managed to convince Vexen to go with him to one of his favorite restaurants for breakfast.

"I'm sure you'll like it. Besides, you need to get out of that dusty ol' lab." After some convincing, Lexaeus opened a Dark Corridor and ushered Vexen through.

It was a rather dingy place in a corner of one of the lesser-known worlds. Upon entering, Vexen couldn't help but notice that the other patrons were dressed as Vikings. Lexaeus noticed them, but paid them no heed. However, Vexen didn't have much time to think about that; the waitress caught his attention instead. _Is that who I think it is?!_ She looked at him with annoyance as she made her way to their table.

"Larxene? Is that you? But…why?" he asked as he tried not to laugh.

The Savage Nymph gave him a cold glare (but not nearly as cold as he was capable of giving) and told him, "Shut up, it's just a part time job for some extra cash. So what'll it be, boys?"

"What have you got?"

"**Well, there's egg and bacon. Uh, egg, sausage and bacon. Egg and spam. Egg, bacon and spam. Egg, bacon, sausage and spam. Spam, bacon, sausage and spam. Spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam. Spam, spam, spam, egg and spam. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam. Or, Lobster Thermidor aux Crevettes with mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pate, Brandy, and a fried egg on top and spam."**

Vexen was as mortified as his non-existent heart allowed him to be. _Does this place normally serve so much spam? That can't possibly be healthy, not to mention how much I already abhor spam._ **"Have you got anything without spam in it?"**

"**Well, spam, egg, sausage and spam. It's not got much spam in it."**

"**I don't want any spam!" **Vexen declared. He was getting a little annoyed with Larxene by now.

"**Why can't **he** have egg, bacon, spam and sausage?" **Lexaeus offered.

"**That's got spam in it!"**Vexen hissed.

"**Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam."**

Vexen was irritated by now. _I don't have time for this! I have to go back to work!_** "Look, could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam?"**

Larxene gave him a disgusted look and went **"Eugh!"**

"**WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'EUGH', I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!" Vexen screeched.**

And then, something completely different happened. The Vikings that were sitting at the other tables started to sing. And what, pray tell, did they sing about? Why, spam, of course.

"**Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!" **The Vikings stood up and Vexen noticed who they were. _Why in all the hells are they here?!_Vexen mentally screamed as he watched most of his fellow Organization members (Xigbar, Zexion, Axel, Luxord, Marluxia, and Roxas), who were led by Demyx.

Larxene got annoyed with them and started banging a spoon on the wall, yelling **"SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!"** They quieted after a few minutes.

"**You can't have egg, bacon, spam and sausage without the spam,"**Larxene said firmly.

"**WHY NOT??" **yelled Vexen.

"**Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, spam and sausage would it?"**

"**I DON'T LIKE SPAM!" **Vexen screeched loud enough for the windows to crack.

"**Oh, don't make a fuss, I'll have your spam,"**offered Lexaeus. **"I love it! I'm having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, and spam!" **Considering how many times he said "spam" in one sentence, the Vikings began to sing again, but they quickly quieted after he stopped saying "spam."

"**Baked beans are off," **Larxene told him.

"**Well, can I have spam instead?"**

"**You mean spam, spam, spam, spam, spam," **("**Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!" **The Vikings cut in,) "**Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, and spam?"**

"**Yes!"**

"**Eugh!" **

By now, the singing had gotten out of hand and Larxene started yelling at them to shut up while she banged her spoon on the wall.

They were interrupted by a rather disheveled-looking Xemnas who walked in, looking through a Hungarian-to-English translation book. He interrupted them by telling Larxene in his thick Hungarian accent, **"Great boobies, honey bun, my lower intestine is full of spam, egg, spam, bacon, spam, spam, spam…My nipples explode…" **He trailed off as the Vikings started singing again, and Larxene started hitting him with her spoon, yelling **"SHUT UP!"**The policeman (who just so happened to be Saix) blew a whistle and dragged him away as the singing got horribly out of control.

_Dear, sweet Kingdom Hearts with a side of spam! He sounds like he's never spoken English before! What in the name of Darkness is going on?!_wondered Vexen.

And now, we cut away from that scene for something completely different.

Xaldin was behind a desk in traditional historian clothes. **"Another great Viking victory was at the Green Midget Café in Bromley. Once again, the Viking strategy was the same," **he said, referring to a map behind him, **"They sailed from these fjords here, assembled at Trondheim, and waited for the strong, northeasterly winds to blow their oaken galleys to England, whence they sailed on May the 23****rd****. Once in Bromley, they assembled in the Green Midget Café, and spam selecting a spam particular spam item from the spam menu would spam spam…"**

The Vikings began singing the spam song again as the map dissolved in a bottomless pit of spam. Xaldin began singing the song as he joined the rest of his Organization. **"Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!** **Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam!"**

SPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAMSPAM

"Larxene, I will ask you one last time. Do you have anything other than Spam? Anything at all?" asked Vexen defeatedly.

"We have cake with a spam-flavored icing," she said with a sadistic grin.

Vexen blanched at the thought and quickly portaled back to the safety of his laboratory. There was absolutely no way he was ever going to let Lexaeus take him to that horrid restaurant from the darkest depths of Hell ever again.

* * *

Gah, this isn't as good as I want it to be, but it'll have to do.

Somehow, I can see Demyx as lead singer in pretty much all of my fics.

The word spam is listed 130 times, in case you're wondering.

Terry Jones in drag makes me smile. :)

Why doesn't Vexen like cake? Check out Those Lacking Spines, because I don't own that idea.

Poor Xemnas. He seems to get the short end of the stick in my fics. Hopefully I'll make it up to him someday.

This will be my last submission until after finals :( Then I can update Marluxia's Beginning and get going on those plot bunnies that have been simmering in the back of my mind…


End file.
